Coping skills...when to let go?

Coping skills are developed in our thought-systems following the experience of life events, and so I am categorizing this article under the “Mind” category.

While walking the dogs this morning, on such a beautiful day, I was pondering the usefulness and un-usefulness of the coping skills we develop to deal with life. The following thoughts are not something I learned in any psychology texbook or therapy training I’ve endured (ha ha). But more, such thoughts have evolved through exploration of human spirituality beyond the psychology, which to me takes well-being to a whole new level of healing, one deeper than traditional cognitive behavioral therapy which focuses on thoughts, feelings and behaviors ever could. If interested, please read on.

I’d like you to bring your awareness to the various coping skills you or a loved one has developed over the years to cope with life. Think of the skills you’ve used to survive your traumas both big and small, be it surviving difficult or abusive relationships, dealing with a car accident, loss, dissapointments, unmet needs, unmet expectations, childhood bullying, angry parents, dysfunctional family dynamics, etc etc. Think of the methods you’ve utilized to gain someone’s approval or love, or the methods used to avoid conflict. Some of us have utilized coping skills such as people-pleasing to gain affection or avoid conflict. Or rationalization, which is the intellectualization of events into thoughts devoid of any feeling, or using intellectual prowess to gain approval or “win” an argument. Other favorite coping skills are self-doubt, self-harm (cutting, bingeing, starvation dieting, addiction), manipulation, perfectionism, throwing temper tantrums, sexual promiscuity or asexuality, judgement, and according to Freud (this part was learned in a psychology textbook) coping skills also include denial, projection, splitting, passive aggression, acting out, fantasy and isolation, amongst others.

At one point in our lives, the coping skills we developed were useful to help us survive in a certain environment (like our families, at school, or at work), or helped protect us in the face of danger. But now, are they still useful? Do we still need to people-please, or be perfect? Do I need them now to survive my current life situation? The answer most likely is no. These coping skills are no longer useful the way they were years ago, and so why am I hanging on to them? For what benefit? What does hanging on to this coping skill cost me in energy, health and love?

The cost of hanging on to old coping skills is this: coping skills harden the heart. They create separation between people by creating misinterpretation and mis-perception of situations, thus taking us away from what is really true. Coping skills create walls and veils of illusions, if you will. Who wants to live in an illusory world?

At one point in life, those old coping skills were protective – but do you still need them today? Are you still involved in that emotionally abusive relationship? Are you still being bullied on the playground? Or,

Are you interested in living a fully actualized life, one that maximizes your full human potential? If the answer to the last question is yes, then consider beginning to let go of old coping skills as they are no longer protective, and are even destructive by preventing your full human blossoming. If you are still involved in an abusive relationship, bullying or other trauma, please consider reaching out to a trusted therapist or minister to help you out of this terrible situation.

Certain coping skills are no longer serving us well and we no longer need their service.

The first step in letting go of un-useful coping skills is to become aware of those coping skills that are destructive to us or of their prolonged effects on us like debilitating self-doubt; numbing of our feelings; self-harm; self-criticism; poor-me thinking/victim-thinking; I’m-right thinking, people-pleasing etc.

Spend some time asking yourself, “What have been my favorite ways of coping with difficult situations?”. Bring them to awareness, and then look at how destructive some of them have been to you – isolating and disconnecting you from others, criticizing you so much to the point of immobilization and fear of failure or success, and generally preventing you from fully loving yourself.

Then, be willing to let them go. If and when you find yourself falling back into the old coping style in thought or behavior, say “I see you coping skill and you are no longer serving me well so I am letting you go”. You can even thank it for the years of loyal service it has provided you, but  reaffirm firmly that you are moving on from it, putting it into early retirement, as it is a thorn in your side and preventing you from being a fully actualized and whole human being. It’s holding you back.

In closing this thought, I was reminded of a poem that I wrote a few years ago, that seemed to me to come from a deeply divine place within myself and as you read on, please remember the deeply divine person within you.

KarineXXX

Bask in Love…

You are a spectacular version of a human being.

When God created you, He did so in the image of His best self.

You. You are love.

You radiate like a million diamonds in all directions.

Your radiance is what attracts people to you.

Know that love and your amazing capacity to be in the energy of love

are stronger than any fear, worry or absence of light.

Imagine right now a being that you love unconditionally, wholeheartedly and with your entire soul.

Feel this love, bask in it. Take in a deep breath and be absorbed in this love.

Feel it in your bones, in your blood and in your heart.

Absorbed in this vibration, feel my heart touch your heart,

and feel my spirit dance with your spirit.

And invite all your loved ones, one by one by one, to this dance.

Know that you are protected. And know, sweetness that you

are beloved.

With love,

Karine Johnston