Reduce Stress With The 65-35 Rule
By Karine Johnston LICSW CCA
When I was in psychotherapy grad school, I was trained in interviewing techniques and learned about the 65-35 rule to help me become an effective psychotherapist. I have since used it to help couples communicate better and reduce stress in their relationships. But it also applies to parent-child relationships, and boss-employee relationships too. Basically, any relationship.
In fact, it’s the technique I use the most in my professional and personal life and today I’d like to share this little-known secret with you so you too can reduce conflict in any relationship you might have. And watch your stress level go down in the process.
It's all about sharpening your listening skills. You see listening and hearing are two very different processes. Hearing kind of just happens because we have ears. Listening on the other hand is a skill – one that is active requiring all your attention and focus. And this skill can be improved!
Why Becoming an Active Listener Matters to You
Simply put – it will improve your relationships. All of us have the same 4 emotional needs - affection, attention, appreciation and acknowledgement. We all yearn to be heard, or rather – listened to. It’s a fundamental human need and when this need is met – people’s stress and upset-ness level reduce. If you become a better listener tension in your marriage will go down, friendships will deepen, and relationships with your kids will strengthen.
So How Do You Do It?
The first step is to adopt the right mindset…
Adopt an I am gathering information from the speaker attitude, vs an I am formulating my response as she speaks – attitude. Listen to understand the speaker, not to respond. When listening avoid formulating a response. It’ll get you nowhere good. Be like a good detective and listen for feelings, facts and details. And remember these details as best you can.
The second step is to listen with all your senses…
Look at the speaker in the eyes, listen with your ears and use your intuition by watching their body language. Sometimes body language is not congruent with the words used so you can detect discomfort or untruths by watching their body language. If they turn away or avoid eye contact – it’s a sign of their discomfort so tread lightly and be respectful.
The third step is to use your own body language to communicate receptivity…
You do this by facing or turning your body at an angle slightly away from the speaker. But maintain good eye contact without letting yourself be distracted by electronics or other people. Make sure the speaker has ALL your attention. Avoid dividing your attention with other activities. Those can wait – and this communicates to the speaker that what they have to say matters to you (fulfilling their need for acknowledgement).
The fourth step is to reflect back to them what you heard…
Check with them if you heard them properly by repeating back to them their feelings or the details of what they said so they can affirm that you heard them correctly (this alone will reduce the number of miscommunications).
Here are some examples “It must have been so scary for you when Kara said she was leaving”, or “Wow! It must be so frustrating to be overlooked for that promotion a second time”, or “So it sounds like you are confused about which credit card to pay off first”.
The important thing in this step is to summarize what you’ve heard and communicate it back to them in an empathic and compassionate tone.
This step fulfills their need for validation.
The fifth step is to use open-ended questions
This simply means to avoid asking questions with a yes or no answer. Instead, ask questions to elicit more detail. These types of questions gets the speaker to share more details. And the more they are able to share, the more heard they will feel, and the stronger the connection you will make with them (as this fulfills their need for attention).
Examples: “What did you feel when your boss said you were great at your job but not ready for this promotion”, “tell me more”, “why is that?”, “what did you say after the credit card lady said this card had a good rewards program?”.
And here is The 65-35 Rule…
Listen 65% of the time and speak only 35% of the time. That’s right, in any conversation listen more than you speak.
So to summarize, by following the 65-35 rule you will sharpen your listening skills. Becoming an active listener will improve all your relationships and reduce your own stress level in the process. Focus on gathering more information from all your interactions with people rather than on telling others what you have to say. Put down all distractions and make good eye contact. Speak when you need to ask pertinent questions to gather more detail about the situation or how the other person is feeling. Reflect back what you heard in a supportive tone. And listen way more than you speak. In the end, communicate understanding by being a good listener rather than seeking to be understood.